Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
