She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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