I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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