no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize