My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
