omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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