My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
