Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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