My Higher Power is John Stamos
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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