My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
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