I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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