took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Randomize
