She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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