I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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