I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
