K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
