This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
