I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
