jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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