Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
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