Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
hell yes lets make some ravioli
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
