I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize