I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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