The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
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