Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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