1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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