So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
