Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Randomize
