Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
