I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
