True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
