Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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