I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
