Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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