The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
