After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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