I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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