Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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