all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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