I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
