She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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