did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
