yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
