hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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