the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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