bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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