So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
