and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
