we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
