are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
