I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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