She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
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