I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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