some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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