I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
