So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
