You're my little dorito
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
