are you still at the devil's house?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
