I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
