ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize