So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
