i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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