My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
