She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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