I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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