woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
