Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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