Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
