One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I need moral support for this bender
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
