i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize