Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
