too bad you live with your parents still
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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